Fast Forward A Few Years and 65 Lbs…

…Yup. After losing 115 pounds, I find myself having gained back 65 (50 of which came in the last year and half alone…). Were they worth it? That’s a silly question. Did I come to a better understanding of who I am as I gained back those 65 pounds? That’s the better question.

I think of today. I did a track workout, a speed workout, a workout on a mother-f-ing bridge.

I cried, but not for the reasons you would think. I cried because my principal walked about seven students to my class, because they were “let in late”. I cried because a student advocated for themselves and said they couldn’t sit near a student (whom I thought was fine, and had worked with just yesterday), and I was emailed about it right as I was completing the seating chart. I cried because I signed a paper saying I would reimburse my school for attending an out-of-state conference, in the event that I did not return to the school for the next school year. I cried because a substitute passively watched a group of students in his class, thus disrupting the fragile ecosystem that is the second floor hallway during periods 5,6,7. If you haven’t gotten the gist yet, it’s this: “I cried because of things happening at work.” (That’s less than 10 words, boo-yah CSR!)

Throughout the workout I worked out what I needed to say to my friends–because this was a track workout, with a group, you see the people who have become your running community in the last few years— that I had given the cold shoulder to… “I don’t do well with words of affirmation.” “My tears are a release of the day.” “I need this time to decompress from the day.” As I worked through this, I cried more (the workout was over at this point, and a friend had come to walk back to the running store with me, because I had worried her with my angry facial expressions). I cried because I don’t advocate for myself, enough. I don’t advocate for myself because of two reasons: 1) I’m a crier, and the emotion is raw, and it’s been my experience that I’m asked to not cry in those moments and 2) When I do advocate, in my job, I’m told, “this is what makes [you great, so suck it up buttercup] (my words, not theirs… but I’m still using the quotes!).”

As I told my coach tonight, “I need you to not publicly recognize me, when I’m the last one,” and I gave her the reasons why, she said, “From my experience, I want to shower you with praise, because I don’t want you to quit.” I scoffed at that (in my head), because I never plan on quitting running. I don’t plan on quitting training, maybe lessening the intensity, but never fully quitting–I’ve been a runner for six beautiful years now. But as I think about MK’s approach, as I think about her sign off, “you are coached and loved,” she is making me great. I’ve known of MK for the last year and a half, but I signed on (and actually committed) to train with her back in January. So, in two and half months, she’s gained my trust to let me advocate for myself and accepted it, no questions asked. But, she is also growing me as a runner, nay a person. As I cried in telling her what I needed, I understood myself that much better. I understood why I have a hard time advocating for self. I also began to understand my tears that much more. I cry when I’m ready to let go: be it of a person, an event, or an image of what should be. (Memories of not crying when Matt and I ended things in February, nor again in May, nor again in June… but not until Labor Day Weekend did I cry…)

I don’t cry about my running, because I’m not going to give it up. Yes, I’m heavier than I’d to be (but no heavier than when I started this journey five years ago; the mishap in time has to do with having to walk off 40+ lbs before I could actually start running; but the intent to be a runner began six years ago). Yes, I’m slower than I want to be (screw you 15-17 minute miles, but 11-13 minute miles are closer than I see). I am a runner at heart. I am a runner.

The tears you’re crying today might water the seed that’s gonna come forth in your life and bring forth something great tomorrow! ~ Steven Furtick (I have no idea who this guy is, but a friend just posted this quote and I found it so fitting…)

So, as I cry my last tears about today at work, I think of God’s Will in my life. I cry, because I have to let go, and let God. I truly believe that His Will ultimately reigns. I cry because I trust that whatever His plan is, will be far greater than holding on to the pain and ill-will of life not going according to my plan.

A better understanding of who I am.

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Saturday nights…

I never thought I would miss you this much. When I said I was done, the meant I was done. But here I am, trying to figure it all out again… Were you it? Probably not. But I never imagined being here without you.

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Starting Again…

I feel like it’s time to maybe blog again. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but it’s just time to maybe put my thoughts out there.

After my last half marathon, back in 2012, I haven’t really ran much. I don’t know if it was working out too much–by the end of my last half marathon, I had dropped 115 pounds– leaving Colorado only to come back, or ending things with Matt. I just haven’t run for a really long time.

Today was my first run, for the month of May. I did a measly 2 miles, with 13 minute miles. I’m still doing the whole walk/run thing, but if I could sustain running the entire time I’d be running 10 minute miles. The last half-mile was difficult, but I’ve got to get some miles under my belt with Bolder Boulder coming up in a couple of weeks. I’m confident I’ll run fine, just still no personal record.

I spent the last eight months teaching, full-time, eighth-grade science. This year has been up-and-down. I’ve needed a lot of intercession from St. John Bosco. I am definitely working with Dirtbag kids. I coach softball and sponsored student council. I was even offered a varsity coaching position for the fall. I’m waiting on certification to come through, to see if I will be working at the school again in the fall. I will only coach if I have a job at the school. I am, however, definitely coaching summer ball.

Matt got married, and is expecting a baby with his wife in September. And I don’t know if my heart is completely healed from that. I think this is the first time I might actually be admitting that. It feels weird; I think I’ve just pushed it a ways down. We has some closure when I moved back to Texas. I randomly ran into his roommate on my way moving back to Colorado. Matt actually comes to Denver a lot, but our paths haven’t crossed.

I just spent the last hour rereading my blogs from when I was in the convent. It’s been five years since I left. Therein lies hurt, too, that I still haven’t faced.

…maybe now is the time to address the hurt with brutal honesty.

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Sore legs need rest…

Well, it’s been four days since my half marathon, and I still have not run a substantial amount. I did a few sprints on Tuesday, and quickly found out that my legs were much more sore than I thought. My toes are still pretty bruised, and I’m pretty sure I’m to be losing toenails on them. It’s actually kind of cool to think that this half marathon cost me to lose toenails, however, the thought of losing toenails is a little bit of a dangerous game. I had my shoes checked, and my socks checked, and everything seems to look okay. It was just that the majority of the race was downhill.

On Saturday, I have a 5K race, but we really can’t call it a race. It is actually the Color Run, and there are no timing mechanisms for the race at all. I’ll be running with a good friend of mine who’s in town for the weekend, and I’m really excited to be able to run with her because we’ve ran in Dallas, and now we’ll be able to run together in Colorado this weekend. I’m pretty sure with her getting acclimated to the elevation, that we’ll take it somewhat slower than I would like to for a 5K. But it’ll be a nice easy run to keep my legs loose, for Monday’s 10K race out in Boulder. On Monday, it’ll be a full year since I began running races, with the Bolder Boulder 10K. I’m hoping to be beat last year’s time, and I’m pretty sure I will be able to; I ran last year in an hour and 45 minutes with 17 minute miles.

My main focus this week has been resting my legs and keeping hydrated, to keep the soreness down. After the fiasco that was sprinting on Tuesday, I realized my legs just really needed a rest. I see my mistake in not training fully with the soreness of my legs, and hope to never be at this point again. And, as a running coach told me when I got my shoes checked on Tuesday, I won’t be able to get away with no proper training for the full marathon.

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Colfax Half Marathon

Yesterday I completed my fourth half marathon since Oct. of 2011. I ran the Colfax Half Marathon in 3:12:21, improving my time in seven months by 23 minutes overall. I wish I could say I trained well and hard for this last half marathon and that my time was resultant of my hard work. In reality, the longest run I completed in four months between my last half marathon and yesterday’s half marathon was about 5 miles. There was one day that I walked a combined mileage of 6 miles, but they were in two mile intervals throughout the whole day. Lesson number one, kids, don’t put off training! Sure, I ran fine, and I PR’ed (personal record), but the death I felt with only ONE TENTH of of mile left, could have been overcome with proper training. Also, again, I ran fine, but dehydrating your body the two nights prior to a race, even with a single scotch or whiskey, is not recommended. I do, however, recommend finding someone to run with! The best part of the race was my friend that ran next to me the entire race. When I hit my wall, she asked me to talk about the kids I nanny. When I couldn’t run any farther, she held my hand and said, “I’m not leaving you, we’ll cross together!” There’s nothing like having a partner for when the going gets tough.

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Keep on dreaming…

Hello all!

Welcome to my newest blog about my running adventures. Come here to find tips on training, to laugh at my adventures, or just to know how my running is coming along.

I’ll try to write every couple of days, especially after a run, but with school and work, we’ll see what happens!

If you don’t know, I’m raising money for my next race, a full marathon, in Chicago. Visit my webpage, and consider donating to a great cause! Here’s the webpage

Thanks so much for reading!

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